Written approximately five hours before the plane touched down in Paris. I don't necessarily stand by these travel tips as a way of moving from place to place but it does provide you a window into the deteriorating mind of someone on the longest plane ride of their entire life.
1.
Don’t buy into airport mania––I don’t know what
happens in the years between now and your mid-thirties but there’s something
about the airport that makes just about every adult lose it. In all fairness,
there is something inherently stressful about an expensive sky car that won’t
wait for you if you miss it, but in all honesty, a lot of the chaos is
self-inflicted. I used to think it was the airport itself, then I just thought
it was my crazy parents––cut to years of getting to the airport two full hours early,
forgotten ID’s, misplaced luggage––but then I realize this is a phenomenon
plaguing American adults. Take one look around you in a crowded airport, I
guarantee there’s at least one middle-aged parent in the middle of a
frizzy-haired, crazy-eyed rant about getting to their flight. And, if you’re
over the age of thirty, I dare you to check yourself––take a shot every time
you have to sit down and unpack your whole bag looking for something you just
had. This is a good thing for young (inexperienced) travels because nothing
makes someone less intimating than a full-scale meltdown in the middle of
SEATAC. It doesn’t matter how much you paid for that Gucci bag or Fendi
suitcase if you’re shaking it upside down looking for a misplaced boarding pass
or your kid’s lost whatever. Other than a couple truly tense moments (I’ll give
TSA, that one’s a full-blown mess) the airport is designed to get you where you
need to go. If you feel yourself panicking remember (unless it’s a bomb threat
or a real-life emergency, of course) it’s all going to be okay.
2.
Half an hour is approximately two seconds in
airport time––When planning a trip remember that flights get delayed and not
every trip will go according to schedule. Even the wind can impact your travel
time (something about which way it’s blowing, I don’t know, I’m on a plane so
I’m not looking it up). Remember that giving yourself half an hour between
connecting flights will (most likely) result in you jetting across the Salt
Lake City airport and scaring the lady checking your passport with your weird
sprinting (I’m asking for a friend, okay?). Give yourself at least an hour in
case of delays for the best possible experience.
3.
On the other hand, ten hours is 1,000 years in
plane time––try your very hardest to sleep because there’s no amount of random
activities that will fill this amount of time. You might feel like you spend
ten hours a day on your phone, but I promise, even if you do, it’s not in a
flying box full of strangers and it will get old. As I took my seat and we were
about to take off (yes, I was the very last person on the plane), the flight
attendant whispered, “this is going to be the longest ten hours of your life”. Aside
from being the most ominous message I’ve ever heard, nothing has ever resonated
more now.
4.
Never ask two flight attendants to do the same
job––the plane aisleways are tiny, it’ll take them a minute to get back to fix
your movie screen and if you ask a second attendant it’ll just reset again in
the middle of Risky Business. Give them a second to do their jobs, they’re not
incompetent, you’re just annoying. This is totally a universal tip. Not me
projecting. In other news, I wonder if it’s rude to yell across the aisle. I
only have so much time.
5.
Don’t yell across the aisle––there are other
people on this plane, what were you thinking?
6.
Be assertive (but not rude) ––If you’re in a jam
and somehow find yourself ignoring the ever-important list item #2, you need to
make a clear path for yourself between flight number one and flight number two.
You can’t wait for the entire plane to clear or else you’ll miss your plane. Is
being considered nice that important to you? Is it several thousand dollars
important to you? Think about it. When you’re getting on your first flight, let
the attendants know about your situation. As gently as you can, suggest that
passengers with connecting flights should be allowed to de-plane (the funniest
word in air travel, by the way) first. If you can do this in a way that doesn’t
come off as “um I have a plane to Paris to catch and I’m the most important”
that would be ideal. In the last ten minutes or so, the flight attendants will
make a meek announcement that people at their final destination and those with
longer layovers should stay seated. A note for all of those people: you will
get off the plane eventually, it’ll be at the most ten more minutes. The
announcement will get the nice old people and maybe a few of the people coming
home from business trips but the rest is up to you. Without shoving, you need
to navigate as far to the front as soon as the plane reaches the gate. There
are a couple seconds between the seatbelt sign turning off and the entire plane
standing up and trying to leave at the same time, you need to be on your game.
Get your stuff a few minutes before landing and get ready to go.
7.
Sometimes your movie thing is just
broken––you’ll never know how Risky Business ends. That’s okay. Tom Cruise is a
Scientologist anyway.
8.
Don’t eat all your plane snacks in the first
hour––or if you do make sure your plane snacks are vegetables. Not sour straws
and Reese’s covered pretzels. You’ll never make it through the flight. Plus, if
you eat them all now, you’ll have nothing but weird air-cheezits which are
significantly worse. But in all reality, fill up your water bottle and drink as
much as you can. Surprisingly it’s better to have to pee in the terrible sky
bathroom than to be dehydrated in the air. The more you know. I’ve heard it
will also impact your first couple days of travel, some people get sick for the
first days they’re there and water will at least pacify that.
9.
Keep your window open*––it reminds you that you
don’t live in plane world. There’s real world all around. That’s why you do
this, so you can get to real world. Imagine the little café you’re going to
write in or the sun beaming down on your beret or whatever. I wonder if you all
can tell I have no idea what to expect when I get there.
10. Never
start something you can’t finish– it’s Risky Business.
*Hey, it's firmly planted on the ground Emi here to say I'm not sure what this one means. Maybe it's a metaphor, maybe it's delusion, maybe I was the first ever to successfully open a plane window. Who's to say?
Comments
Post a Comment